


Human Diary

by flarrow_bitches (MaybeImToBlame)



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Casual Sex, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Westallen, Oblivious Barry, Oliver Queen Has Feelings, Oliver doesn't know what to do with feelings, Oliver has a lot of feelings, Oliver is cold, Unrequited Love, mostly physical relationship, sad Oliver, semi graphic sex scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 11:44:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13235019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaybeImToBlame/pseuds/flarrow_bitches
Summary: You took all my secrets with you.Oliver Queen has fallen in love with Barry Allen, but it's too late now.





	Human Diary

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off the song "Human Diary" written by Emily Weisband & Josh Kerr, performed by Danielle Bradbery. I highly suggest listening to it before you read this or while you read this. WARNING: It will probably hit you really hard in the feels. It always does for me. here's a link  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivuXmEsV4Ps
> 
>  
> 
> Italics are flashbacks, or things Oliver is remembering, regular text is Oliver's thoughts now. If you're confused, please leave a comment and I'll do some revising to try to make things clearer.

Winter was at its peak meaning that the crisp air that blew through the full body window every few minutes was freezing the naked occupant sitting on the bed to their core. _“I don’t get cold Barry,”_ Well that had been a complete lie, because at the moment, Oliver had never felt colder. Not in the nights when he'd lied practically naked under a few layers of giant leaves on the island, not when he'd been shirtless in that snowy climate fighting to the death, but right now. Right now, he felt chilled to the bone. Cold and numb. Numb in the sense that currently, he couldn’t feel any other part of his body. He wasn’t sure if it was because his mind was on overdrive or if it was because he was physically cold. All he knew is he felt nothing.

He could shoot himself with an arrow right now and probably feel no pain at all. Not that he was eager to try. He wasn’t quite to that point yet. Right now, he didn’t have the energy to do anything. Not even to pull back on his clothes, much less get up and find his quiver and bow to shoot himself. All the energy he’d had moments ago had disappeared in a flash. Just as fast as Barry had minutes before. It was over. That had been the last time. He'd been trying to fool himself. He'd hoped, like some stupid little girl, some hopeful teenager who'd never experienced love before, that maybe his feelings would be enough to make him stay. But that was stupid. Feelings aren't enough to make anyone stay. He'd learned that long ago. And why he'd tried to fool himself into believing it again this time, he didn't know. Barry was getting married in a few weeks, he was gone for good this time. In the back of his mind, he'd wondered how long this  _thing_  between them was going to continue. Again, stupidly, he'd hoped that maybe it would never end. But he knew better. He didn't expect it to hurt like this though. He was  _Oliver Queen_. He was the heartbreaker. He didn't get his heart broken. That was pathetic. He was pathetic _._

 

**_~You knew which parts of my body I was insecure about~_ **

_"What's this one?" Barry asked, his voice a gentle whisper as he traced a thick jagged half-moon shaped scar at Oliver's hip. Oliver jumped slightly at Barry's featherlight touches. He wanted to squirm. He wasn't used to someone being so close to his scars. He was used to people being this close to his body but he wasn't used to someone actually paying attention. His body was a mess. A littered canvas of scars strewn haphazardly about. Normally, he didn't like it when people looked too close. But Barry was gentle. And he wasn't pushy either. Barry's soft lips brushed across his hip as he kissed down the large scar. Oliver felt his limp cock twitch at Barry's ministrations but he wasn't quite ready to go again yet._

_"Shark attack actually, the one right above it was from an arrow though."_

_"A shark attack? You never told me you got bitten by a shark! That's so cool!” Barry cleared his throat, Oliver couldn’t help the twitch of his lips at Barry’s excitement, he was used to just pity when talking about his scars, so Barry’s reaction was a welcome change. “I mean awful… that’s terrible… really it is, it’s cool that you fought a shark but that’s terrible that it did this to you…You've really been to hell and back... you really are something else," Barry kissed the scar above it from the arrow, then another from an knife fight he'd gotten into while on a job in Australia, then the one from Agent Wintergreen, and another accidental scar from a jagged piece of metal he'd fell onto, "You are so beautiful... and handsome... really Oliver, your body might be scarred but it's not broken and I hope you never look at yourself and think that, because when I see these scars I see survival, and that's a beautiful thing..."_

_Oliver felt himself blushing as Barry met his eyes. He wondered if he could tone down the flaming in his cheeks by sheer will. Barry chuckled seeing Oliver uncomfortably blushing, "You're a marvel, you really are. A true fucking treasure... beautiful, handsome, and sexy as fuck..." Barry winked at him and Oliver couldn't help but smile yet again at the cheekiness of the younger male. Barry had an arm slung over Oliver’s torso where he was resting his chin as his fingers lightly traced the curves of his upper chest and collarbone, his head was so close that if Oliver leaned forward, he'd be able to kiss the cheeky little fucker on the nose. With another adoring smile, he decided to do just that, leaning forward with minimal effort he pressed a light kiss to Barry’s nose, which scrunched up adorably at the contact._

_“You always are a surprise,” Barry quipped before laughing and pulling the covers back over the two of them._

 

**_~You knew what I thought about all my friends when they weren't around~_ **

 

_"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!" Oliver beat the punching bag viscously. Felicity was in the hospital and Diggle had barely scraped by not being put there as well. If the bullet had hit him anywhere but where he'd been wearing the vest it would've been a different story. Laurel thankfully had listened, and wow, that was a rare occurrence. He hated when the team went behind his back. And what was Felicity's excuse? That he'd probably say no. Damn right he'd say no, look where it had gotten them?! These ghosts were NOT people to be messing with in general. But they'd decided that they could take him on without him. What the actual fuck?!_

_"Oliver, Oliver!" Barry sped over to him and pulled the punching bag out of reach so his fists only hit air on the next swipe._

_"Oliver, you're frustrated right now, I know, and you're not thinking straight, look at yourself, you didn't even put on gloves. How good are you going to be as an archer with swollen knuckles?" Oliver looked down at his hands. Barry was right. His knuckles were bright pinkish, probably would be bruising quite nicely by morning. Barry guided Oliver over to the medical area and sat him down on the cot. He went to the fridge and got a bag of ice, wrapped it in a towel and came back over to him. Pressing it to his soon to be swollen knuckles._

_"I'm sorry..."_

_"It's ok, I understand why you're upset. But you've gotta take better care of yourself."_

_"I just... this whole thing. The whole crusade. They wouldn't even be in this if it weren't for me and they know I'm the leader. I told them not to and they went and did it anyway. They're doing a lot of things behind my back lately and I just don't understand why. They're going to end up dead. I wish they would just listen to me for once. They're so frustrating. They tell me that I should try to be less stressed out but then they go and do things like this. At least it was just a few broken ribs and a small knife wound. Next time it could be ten times worse. They're so fucking annoying." Oliver clenched his fists and then winced at the pain. Barry couldn't help but laugh and shake his head._

_"Trust me, I understand the stress of a team. But they're just trying to help and take some of it off your shoulders. Even if they went about it the wrong way. Don't be too hard on them." Oliver nodded. He knew they were trying to help. But there were some things that were just too dangerous to do without the full team. Oliver sighed and leaned on Barry. Barry kissed the top of his head and sat there calmly as Oliver finished calming himself down._

 

**_~You knew which days I was praying, the days that I wasn't, I told you everything~_ **

_It was rare that Oliver found himself in a church. But today that’s where he sat. Laurel’s funeral had done a number on everyone, Oliver wasn’t sure if he believed there was a God anymore but for some reason he felt safe here anyway. The silence was refreshing. And if there was a God, from what he’d been taught, the guy would already know what he was thinking anyway so there really was no need to say it all out loud. The soft thud-click on the wooden floor boards alerted him of someone else’s presence. He looked behind him and was surprised to see Barry of all people._

_“How’d you find me here?”_

_“Pinged your cell, the team was worried. They’ve been looking for you for hours. Apparently, there’s some new news on Dhark. I have to say, I didn’t peg you for a church goer… I didn’t even know you were interested in religion._

_“I’m not… not really… I mean I went to church as a child with my family but we all stopped around the time I was 12 and Dad’s company began developing even more. But today… it just felt right, I don’t know…”_

_“Hey, I’m not judging. I went to church when I was a kid, sometimes I even go now… I’m not a faithful follower or anything, but I do consider myself semi religious… I get it.”_

_“Do we have to go just yet? I don’t think I’m ready to face the team again just yet.”_

_“Take as long as you need, I shot Felicity a text saying that I’d found you and that you were ok, she told you to just come in when you were feeling up to it, apparently the threat isn’t all that serious yet. Oliver scooted over in the pew and Barry took a seat down next to him, the two sat in silence for a while after that, Oliver reflecting and Barry doing his best to be there in any way he could._

 

**_~'Cause you were my human diary_ **  
**_So when you left, you didn't just leave_ **  
**_No, you took all my secrets with you_ **  
**_You took all my secrets with you_ **  
**_And now you're with someone else_ **  
**_And thinking 'bout it hurts like hell_ **  
**_And you got all my secrets with you_ **  
**_You took all my secrets with you~_ **

****

Oliver’s mind took him back to what had just conspired a few minutes ago… he was still trying to get his thoughts together again.

-

_Barry had pulled back on his clothes. Oliver was still lounging naked on the other side of the bed. With his back turned to Oliver, Barry finally spoke the words that were a long time coming._

_"We can't do this anymore."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_Barry leaned down to pull on his socks before beginning to lace up his tennis shoes, "You know, this thing between us, the sex, the casual dates. We can't do this anymore..."_

_"Why not?" Oliver felt his heart begin to race in his chest. He wasn't quite sure why though. He'd known this was just casual. He probably just wasn't completely ready for things to be over yet. After all. The sex was fucking amazing. It would probably just be an adjustment getting used to living without it. That's all he was worried about, right? Sex withdrawal? Was that a thing?_

_"Because... I asked Iris to marry me, and she actually said yes..."_

_Why did it feel like Oliver had just been punched in the gut? Why the hell did those words impact him so much? Before he could fully get his thoughts together Barry was speaking again,_

_"I mean. This has been fun and you're an amazing guy, and amazing in bed. You already know that though. But if I see myself having a future with Iris I need to start being serious about her. Which means commitment. So... yeah. Really, you're amazing. But she's...wow…” Barry trailed off as he spoke, “I mean, even with Savitar, the futures finally playing out. I know we’ll find a way to save her, but even if I… even if I…don’t…” Barry seemed to get choked up with those words, “I think it’s time I took things more seriously… and like I said, this was casual, fun, but I’ve been in love with her since before I knew what love meant… I never thought it could happen but it’s really happening… if you need anything team wise, don't hesitate to call though, I'm still completely down for that.” Barry picked up his jacket from the floor and pulled it on,_

_“It’s late, I should probably head back now…but don’t be afraid to call if you need anything,” He walked around to the other side of the bed and dropped a kiss on the top of Oliver’s head, before speeding out with a grin._

_A fucking grin. How the hell was he grinning when Oliver felt like everything was falling apart around him. Wait what? Why was everything falling apart? Why did it feel like his stomach had dropped out from under him, why was his throat dry, why didn’t he feel like he could speak? Wait? Were his hands getting all sweaty… why were his hands getting sweaty? Why was his heart racing, why was he hyper aware of everything around him, was he panicking? He was panicking, What the hell? Oliver scooted to the edge of the bed, he gripped the edge of the mattress with both hands and panted raggedly as he willed himself to calm down and just think for a minute. Why was he panicking? Why was this effecting him so much? He’d known it was casual for Barry… but for himself… fuck… shit… as his mind cleared he was finally able to realize his stupid mistake… he’d gone and fallen for the guy. He’d fallen hard and fast for Barry Allen. But Barry had already fallen for someone else. How could Oliver compete with a first love? With someone Barry had been wanting for his entire life. He couldn’t. And now it was over. It was over before Oliver had even realized it had begun._

He’d gone and fallen for Barry Allen. It was as plain as day the more that he thought about it. And couldn’t Barry see it? Did he really think it was just casual? Barry might just be more oblivious than him when it came to love if he really did think that.

 

**_~You knew how to make me weak in a good way and in a bad~_ **

 

_"But what about-" Barry hushed Oliver with his lips. But what about Iris? What was Barry doing? He'd seen on facebook that she'd finally agreed to go out on a date. Had it not went well? And oh- now Barry was straddling Oliver, and is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Oliver laughed to himself in his head. A smile forming on his lips as Barry continued to kiss him. Barry must've been hard for a while for something that size to be rubbing against him. Barry's nimble fingers were now making quick work of the buttons on his shirt. His mouth attached itself to Oliver's neck like some sort of vampire as soon as the flesh was revealed. And ew. Barry wasn't a vampire. That wasn't a sexy image at all- but oh... yes. Right there. Barry began sucking on a piece of flesh between his Adams apple and collar bone… damn, Barry knew all of his sweet spots. And what was he thinking about again? He was worried about something but he couldn't remember what... it probably wasn't that important._

_-_

_Barry had shown up on his birthday, a giant teddy bear in hand, and a gift bag and box under his other arm, the bear had a bottle of Oliver’s favorite champagne nestled in its arms. Oliver had let him in, only a little bit surprised to see him. Barry had set down the gifts on the table before coming back over to him, he pulled him in for a long kiss and guided his hand down to his waist,_

_“Why don’t you pull my pants aside a bit? I’ve got another surprise hiding under this for you…” He whispered in Oliver’s ear. Oliver let his hand trail inside Barry’s pants, he still kept him close but slid the hip of the trousers down far enough to reveal some red lace._

_“How did you-”_

_“Remember when I got locked in your closet that one time? You don’t hide your spank bank very well, also, you’re quite old school, men’s lingerie catalogs? They were from before the island, but fetishes don’t usually change that often… do you like?” Barry asked in a low tone as he nibbled on his ear, Oliver let his hand trail farther into Barry’s pants to feel the texture of the lace._

_“I definitely like…” And with a possessive growl he took Barry’s mouth in another heated kiss._

_“Make this quick, I made dinner reservations for us at eight.” Oliver nodded before hiking Barry up onto the countertop, too impatient to make it to the bedroom._

_-_

_They cleaned themselves up, pulling their clothes back on and took a few moments to smooth the wrinkles that had formed out of them, Oliver offered to throw Barry’s shirt in the dryer really quick, but Barry had insisted it was fine and that they’d be late if they didn’t leave soon._

_"So, I thought you and Iris were together now,"_

_"I don't know. I mean it was only two dates. She never really said if she wanted to be exclusive or anything. It's fine don't worry about it. What she doesn't know won't hurt her." Barry smoothed Oliver’s tie down and buttoned his suit jacket for him, placing a kiss to his nose. Oliver couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy about the whole situation but he wasn’t about to be the one to give Barry up, he was too selfish for that._

_-_

_Barry had just emerged fully nude from the warm water of the jacuzzi. The light from the water reflected off his skin basking it in a soft glow. Oliver swore that in that moment he'd never seen a more breathtaking sight. And he told Barry so._

_"You look absolutely breathtaking right now..." he pulled himself out of the water as well to follow. Pressing his still damp body against Barry's. Barry looked down, bashful as usual. Oliver took a finger and lifted his chin. He was more than a little tipsy by now,_

“ _I mean it. You are so. Fucking. Beautiful. God Barry... I think I'm falling in love with you..." Barry just smiled back at him. Pressing his lips to Oliver's._

_"You're pretty amazing too... come on, I have some promises to make good on." Barry linked their hands and guided Oliver back inside. Oliver only slightly registered that Barry didn't say it back._

 

**_~You knew the up's and down's in my relationship with my dad~_ **

_"Sometimes I don't even know why I'm doing this anymore. It started out as a crusade to right the wrongs for my family, but now... sometimes I'm in the middle of taking someone down, or I'm aiming an arrow at someone... and I feel myself... I feel myself enjoying it... and man that's fucked up. This was fucked up from the beginning if I'm being honest. What sane person decides to put on a good and use a bow and arrow to fight crime? Robin Hood? It's really some kind of fiction..."_

_Barry hummed down the line. Sometimes letting Oliver just vent was what was best. Venting to someone who truly understood was a therapy like no other in their line of work._

 

**_~Oh, and damn how I hate it, that you know me naked, I gave you everything~_ **

-

_“Have you… have you ever wanted to top?” Oliver asked Barry, they were lying together watching reruns of Brooklyn 99, Barry’s head snapped over to him with the abrupt question._

_“I mean… yeah… of course… I’m pretty versatile, but I thought you were like, strictly a top…”_

_“Well I am… but I’ve been… wondering lately, and I… I trust you, and I think if it was going to be with anyone, I’d want it to be with you, so if you want to, I’m open to it.” Barry leaned forward and kissed Oliver, it wasn’t dirty, or passionate, but sweet and tender instead. Like he was trying to convey all his gratitude through a kiss._

_“I’d love that, just tell me when you’re ready. I don’t want to rush you, but I’d absolutely love to.”_

_“Tonight?” Oliver questioned, honestly he’d been dying to finally know what it felt like and now that he’d finally brought up the subject, he didn’t want to wait any longer._

_“Sure, but don’t feel rushed.”_

_“I don’t… I’ve been wanting this for a long time… I’m just glad you said yes.”_

_-_

_Oliver was nervous as he lied naked on top of the bed covers. Barry had gone and gotten the lube and a condom from the bathroom. His eyes seemed to widen as he took in all of Oliver in his naked glory, spread out and waiting for him. He climbed on the bed, he was shirtless but his pants were still on, Oliver was lying on his stomach now, Barry straddled his waist and began to massage his back, he pressed a kiss to the back of his neck as he whispered,_

_“So fucking perfect,” into the silence between them._

_“Have you ever done this before?” Oliver couldn’t meet Barry’s eyes as he admitted that he hadn’t,_

_“No…”_

_“I’ll go slow… all I want is to make you feel good.” Oliver nodded and with one long exhale, he slowly let the tension release from his body as Barry continued his ministrations in massaging._

_-_

_Feeling someone else inside him escaped description, at first it hurt, it hurt a whole lot, but Barry was so gentle, gentle and attentive and agonizingly slow, but it was what he needed for a first time. But when Barry finally seated himself all the way inside of Oliver, Oliver couldn’t even form a thought. He felt so full. He keened when Barry brushed against a spot that made his vision go white, and as Barry finally began to move, the words were taken out of him. All he could do was let his mouth hang slightly open as breathy gasps were torn from his throat with every slow thrust, waves of pleasure finally began to wash over him, and he bit his lip, tears coming to his eyes as Barry began to speed up. They weren’t tears of pain though. Barry had taken him from behind so he wasn’t able to see the pleasure in the speedster’s scrunched up face, he was only able to hear the occasional growls of “So fucking tight, fucking perfect, so beautiful… so tight…” from Barry’s lips as he continued to thrust into him. Barry switched angles slightly as he continued to thrust into him, and this time, he was brushing his prostate with every thrust. Oliver wasn’t sure how long he could last._

_“Barry… Barry… I’m…” That’s all he could get out before Barry was reaching under him to grip the base of his cock, not wanting him to come just yet._

_“Is this ok?” Barry rasped out, Oliver just nodded, he wanted to prolong the pleasure for both of them for as long as possible, but he still felt like he’d come any second now. Finally, with one sharp jab to his prostate, Oliver cried out, Barry let go of his cock and Oliver was coming in spurts onto the bedspread. His ass clenching tightly around Barry’s length. Barry let out a loud sharp cry of his own and his dick began to vibrate inside of Oliver. Oliver let out a whine as Barry milked his prostate, his thrusts becoming sloppy but his cock still vibrating intensely as he came into the condom. Oliver collapsed on top of the mess of his own cum, bringing Barry down with him. They breathed heavily, trying to catch their breaths as they came down from their orgasms._

_“I don’t even think I need to come again after that… and normally I can go three or four times…” Barry said lazily, he still hadn’t pulled out of Oliver. Oliver just grunted in reply, Barry pulled out gently, his cock now having softened significantly. He rolled off of Oliver and disposed of the condom before coming back and spooning Oliver from behind, just holding him as the rest of the world caught up with the older male._

_-_

It was stupid. Really it was stupid to get all sentimental about the first time he let himself bottom. He’d agreed to it, without persuasion. But he just felt so used right now that it did matter. He’d thought that maybe they’d had a future that night. Looking back, he knew it was just his brain seeing what it wanted to see.

 

_**~'Cause you were my human diary** _  
_**So when you left, you didn't just leave** _  
_**No, you took all my secrets with you** _  
_**You took all my secrets with you** _  
_**And now you're with someone else** _  
_**And thinking 'bout it hurts like hell** _  
_**'Cause you got all my secrets with you** _  
_**You took all my secrets with you~** _

The breeze was still blowing frigid air onto him, Oliver felt completely exposed. But not only did he feel exposed. He felt dirty. He felt dirty and used. He'd been fine with being used in the past.  Hell he'd been fine using others in the past too. But God. He regretted every time he'd ever made someone feel used, every person, every girl, every guy he'd taken advantage of in the past. He knew he'd done it before. Kicking people to the curb before they barely had a chance to gather themselves after a quick fuck. He regretted it all. This was hands down the worst feeling he'd ever felt. Maybe his brain was still too muddled now but he was pretty sure there weren’t enough words in any language to truly describe all he was feeling in that moment. There was a physical ache in his stomach and his chest where his heart would be. He wanted to cry but he felt pathetic enough and didn't want to add to it with tears. Though it seemed his emotions weren't getting the message, since with another gust of air he felt a new cool dampness on his cheeks. Fuck. He was crying.

Well, that was it. He had no dignity left. At least nobody was here to see him right now. And out of all people. It was innocent little Barry, the one who people though couldn't hurt a fly. Yeah right. Well Barry had hurt someone. He'd hurt him. Barry could hurt people, and flys for that matter, Oliver had seen Barry kill a fly once and he was feeling like that exact fly right now. Dead. Actually, death would probably be better than this. Oliver shivered and pulled the blanket around himself tighter as he lied down on his side. He hated feelings. There was a reason he tried to avoid love and all it came with at all costs, and this was a perfect example of it. Because with it, it brought feelings, and feelings made you weak, they made you feel weak and shitty, and distracted. And damnit, Oliver really didn’t have time for that right now. He had a son to raise… and wow, right now he was thankful to any higher power out there that William was spending this week with his Grandparents in Central City. He’d need a few days to recover from this… if he ever recovered.

 

**_~Now you've got a piece of the sacred parts of me,  
Now all my secrets are in another girl's bed~_ **

 

He’d been so blind with Barry. Going into things, he knew it was casual, and that was ok, he’d just wanted to know what the dorky CSI looked like under his clothes. Divine, if he may add, he looked divine. His crush had started way before Barry became The Flash.

He’d been charmed by his awkwardness and intelligence the moment he’d shown up to that crime scene. His cold attitude had only been because Barry had seemed to take a liking to Felicity rather than him. The point was, at the start of this, he’d known it was casual, that had been fine, but somewhere along the way the lines had blurred and Oliver had let himself be sucked in. He’d fallen hard for the speedster and his adorkable charm and smile, he’d let him in on levels he’d never, ever, ever dream of letting others in on. Barry knew more about him than his parents ever had, and his friends and sister ever would. He’d shared every detail of what had happened on that island, and what he’d been doing for the years in between, with the Russian mob, and the other intelligence agencies he’d gotten tangled up in. Barry had shared his rather trippy experiences in the speed force, his struggles with still getting used to Wally, and how in general, he’d never felt like he had a real family to go home to. They were both broken, but they shared the broken pieces of each other with one and other, and for a few minutes neither felt so alone.

Now, Barry was gone. Gone for good this time and Oliver was back to feeling completely alone. Alone, cold, naked, stripped of his dignity, and the shell he’d encased himself in. He felt like he’d been skinned alive and hung up to be put on display, like in some sick and twisted horror fantasy. Everything he’d never wanted anyone else to see was now on display. Or it might as well have been. He didn’t feel secure anymore. The thought of Barry only brought him anxiety now. Barry held what felt like Oliver’s entire being in his hands and he didn’t even realize it, and obviously, if he didn’t realize, he wouldn’t be able to care. Barry was probably happily rekindling with Iris right now. The two of them would go to sleep no problem tonight in each other’s arms.  Fuck. Now that image was burned into his head. He wasn’t getting any sleep tonight or any time soon that was for sure.

 

_**~You were my human diary** _  
_**So when you left, you didn't just leave** _  
_**No, you took all my my secrets with you** _  
_**You took all my secrets with you** _  
_**You took all my secrets with you** _  
_**You took all my secrets with you,~** _

 

He closed his eyes, and in his mind’s eye, flashed pictures of Iris. Her smile, her laugh, her voice… it was absolute torture. He tried to pick something out on her that was less than savory. There had to be something negative. But he couldn’t find a single thing. Yet when he thought of himself, he couldn’t help but laugh in self-pity. Of course, Barry wouldn’t want him. He was broken. Broken, beaten, and scarred beyond recognition. And Barry was broken too. Of course, Barry would want someone whole who could truly help him heal his broken pieces. It was well established that Oliver wasn’t well versed in feelings or fixing others on an emotional level. Iris would be. She had the heart and the intelligence and the emotional stability to. And Oliver _hated_ her for it. Oliver had written out everything, from beginning to end, sometimes in a rush, sometimes with painstaking detail, for Barry to take in. And Barry had taken it all willingly. He was his human diary. And Oliver hated that word, but it was true. And now Barry was gone. And all the secrets were too. Humans were the least stable force on this planet, and though he knew Barry wouldn’t share his secrets, the pain of knowing they were now out there for good, in a way he couldn’t take back, wrecked him to the core.


End file.
